Sex and the Female Ostomate
Making
Love
After surgery,
while you are recovering and learning to manage your ostomy, you may not
experience any sexual feeling for days, weeks or even months. On the other hand, you may begin to focus on
sexual feelings while still in the hospital.
You need to let your partner know what to expect from you about intimacy
and sex.
Women recovering
from ostomy surgery worry about many things:
·
How they will look to themselves and if they will still be
attractive to others?
·
Will there be pain?
·
How can I manage the pouch before, during and after sex?
Remind yourself
that your lovability and self-worth do not depend on a body part.
If the rectum has
been removed, the whole position, structure and size of your vagina may feel
different. Be aware that for some
women, it is either uncomfortable and/or painful. Your vagina may feel too small or too tight. You may not come to orgasm the first time
after surgery if things are too strange and different.
An intimate
relationship is one in which it matters how well you can communicate about this
intimate experience. Your partner will
take the cue from you. But do not
forget that your partner's feelings are real too, and they should not be denied
any more than your own.
Potential Problems
The longer you
lived with the conditions of disease process, the longer you adjusted your
sexual activities to the limitation they placed on you. This will now change with some caring and
sharing on both your parts. A helpful
task for you now is to sort through these limitations to determine if they were
from the illness or "ancient history" experiences.
Pain blocks good
sexual feelings. Remember that the
rectal-genital area consists of soft tissue that is rich in blood vessels and
nerves. Tissues like these bruise and
swell easily when traumatized. They
take time to heal. Another source of
pain is lack of lubrication.
Most women who
have experienced painful post-operative intercourse say that the pain
diminishes with time, hormonal creams or lubricants, relaxation, gentle
thrusting and manual stimulation.
Factors Which Influence Sexual Intimacy
Desire. Sometimes you may experience little or no desire for
sex. Illness and medical treatments
often lower sexual desire as do pain, medication and just plain not felling
well. A change in body image and
lowered self-esteem interfere with sexy feelings. Fatigue, depression, anxiety or anger may also dampen desire.
Loss and Grief. Ostomy surgery means a major change in your body. Even if your surgery has brought an end to
years of illness and discomfort, or has been to cure a life-threatening
disease, it still represents the loss of a natural body function. Not infrequently, grief is experienced as anger
or fear.
Body Image. Body image is the way we see ourselves in the mirror, and
we like to imagine our appearance.
Although the change seems so great to oneself, most others do not see
the ostomy as changing in any major way the person they love. Harmony
within oneself precedes harmony in a relationship.
Medications. Drugs taken during illness and surgery may affect sexual
behavior. Each person reacts
individually to medication. Anesthesia
can leave a person feeling off center for quite some time.
Surgical Procedures.
If the rectum has been removed along
with the colon, there may be a different sensation in the vagina during
intercourse since part of its supporting structure is gone. In some women, the angle of the vaginal
barrel changes penetration, and orgasm may be harder to achieve. The uterus may change positions leading to
difficulties in conception. If
radiation therapy has been received, there may be vaginal tenderness and
dryness.
Talking About Sex
It is your right
to share or not to share information about your body. Sharing information about your ostomy may not be easy. If you find someone with whom you want to
share a sexual relationship, then you need to decide when and how much you want
to share about your operation.
Many a loving
partner of an ostomate has admitted to feeling anger and resentment towards a
sick mate. Such feelings are
natural. Until they have been expressed
and worked out, both of you may feel guilty and unlovable. There is nothing more frustrating and
painful than dealing with a partner who refuses to talk about important issues
in a relationship such as sex, anger, fear, rejection or the ostomy
itself. Going together to a
professional counselor may be the answer.
Seek Professional Advice
Medical
professionals should address any sexual difficulty, first with the ostomy
surgeon and/or the ET nurse. Referrals
may be made to a gynecologist, therapist or counselor. They may recommend new advances in medical
and surgical interventions.